I told myself I would update this thing more. I’m not sure what for. I guess it’s one of those things that makes me think I’m worth something. I actually don’t know what this blog is. People do gear blogs, worship blogs, church blogs, movie/music blogs, etc. I’ll just go ahead and say that this is a cluster cuss blog. It’s what I feel like writing at the exact moment that I start writing it. In this case, it’s about an album I’m writing. I’ve recorded a lot of cover songs lately and I’m sure I’ll put them up soon, but for now I think they suck. I’ve written 22 songs this year and I feel like I want to throw all of them away. That might be a little extreme, but there’s a good chance that I’ll throw away 21 of them.
I was awake last night around 2:30 because my daughter was rustling around like a pile of leaves. When she woke me up my mind immediately went to writing and creating mode. I’ve been so destroyed lately. I feel like I’m in an unending battle with my soul, like I’m 100% 2 different people at all times. I’m up, I’m down, I’m motivated, I’m lazy, I’m inspired, I’m normal, I’m creative, I’m defeated. There’s so many more feelings and emotions I could throw out. I’m not going to sit here and say that it’s the “artist” inside of me that makes me so unstable. It’s not the fact that my mind is focused on so many things, its that my mind is rarely focused on the right thing. I’m a firm believer in the saying “life is what you make it”. I could EASILY lay down and let the other guy win. The guy that is down, lazy, normal, and defeated. The problem is, that’s not the right guy.
From my freshman year of high school to right now, I’ve built up so many ideals in my head. I don’t think one of them have come to fruition. I don’t necessarily think its because those things weren’t “meant to be” or that I wasn’t “called to them” (that last term is for those of you who throw that phrase out like you have any idea what it means), it’s because I didn’t work hard enough to achieve them. I believed a lie somewhere along the line that things just fall in your lap if you want them bad enough. It’s officially taken me 26 years to realize that is a joke of a statement. I truly believe that everything is yours and mine for the taking. Not only if we want it bad enough, but if we work hard enough. I feel like I’m at groung level right now, but that’s where I’ll start. I’ll build it from the ground up. Jake Holman, Campaign, whatever it is I want to do.
It’s the realization of the fact that I haven’t truly worked hard enough in a lot of what I’ve done that has woke me up. Instead, I’ve complained, thought about those ideals, wanted more, and put higher price tags on myself and thought I was more valuable than I was. Those are the things that have created the mess. I still believe that I was made for something. I was created to create music and glorify God with it. In the midst of that, I was designed to love God, love people, make disciples, and whatever I do, do it great and do it for Jesus. How I’ve made it so difficult, I’ll never understand.
Saying all that, I’m going to write an album based on all of this. I’m starting backwards. The story is this…I’ve tried to fix all my problems with different methods. Think this way, write this way, create this way. I’m tried to be my own doctor, I guess it would be more of a psychologist. Either way, the album will be respectfully called “Methods”. It will be a story from beginning to end, and every bit of it will be personal and honest.
That’s all for now.
